This semester has been AWESOME!! Not only is it great being married, but I love my classes! I am taking a parenting class, and am learning so much! This book by Alfie Kohn, called-Conditional Parenting, has some really good principles and insights that I think everyone needs to know and understand, AND implement. Hopefully I have explained them well enough, but the principles that Kohn talks about are these....
1. Be Reflective- Don’t stop being troubled by things that really are troubling. Be alert for signs of unconditional parenting, and stop and think about the way you interact with your child. You may not have been even aware of what language you use, or of your tone of voice.
2. Reconsider your requests- “In some cases, the trouble is that parental demands are out of step with what can reasonably be expected of children at a certain age.”
3. Keep your Eye on your Long Term Goal- Evaluate what you say and do to your children. “Whether your child spills the chocolate milk today, or loses her temper, or forgets to do her homework doesn’t matter nearly as much as the things you do that either help or don’t help her to become a decent, responsible, compassionate person.”
4. Put the relationship first- We have to be willing to throw away our anger and hurtful words. “There will be times when, in order to do the right thing, we have to put our foot down and cause our kids to become frustrated with us. But before we resort to controlling interventions, before we make a child unhappy, and certainly before we do anything that could be construed as placing conditions on our love, we should make absolutely sure it’s worth the possible strain on the relationship.”
5. Change how you See, Not Just how you Act- Conditional parents make children pay for their actions through consequences when the child does something wrong or inappropriate. “Unconditional parents are apt to see the same act as a problem to be solved, and opportunity for teaching rather than for making the child suffer… Moreover, to see children’s behavior as a teachable moment invites us to include them in the process of solving the problem, which is more likely to be effective.”
6. Respect- “Taking children seriously is treating them with respect.” We should talk about our children the way we would talk about other adults, and talk to them like adults. “Children are more knowledgeable about some matters than we are.” They know when they are hungry, sleepy, and cranky, they know the quality of their friends, their goals, how people treat them, their urges, whom they love, what they value and what they don’t. “We can’t always assume that because we are more mature we necessarily have more insight into our children than they have into themselves.”
7. Be Authentic- Some parents are accused of being friends with their children, instead of parents. “But while we have to be more than pals, we mustn’t stop being people with them. We shouldn’t hide behind the role of Father and Mother, to the point that our humanity (or our human connection with them) disappears. We shouldn’t pretend to be more competent than we are. And when we screw up, we should admit it.” We need to be willing to apologize because it sets an example to our children that apologies are needed, and that we as parents aren’t perfect. It shows our children that it’s possible to acknowledge that we make mistakes, and that sometimes, things are our fault. “Children will still look up to us even if we’re candid about our limitations, even if we speaks to them from our hearts, and even if they can see that, for all the privileges and wisdom that adulthood confers, we’re still just people struggling to make our way in the world, to do the right thing, to balance people’s needs, to keep learning-just as they are. In fact, the more real we are with them, the more likely it is that they’ll feel respect for us.”
8. Talk Less, Ask More- To be a great parent is more a function of listening than explaining. As a rule, our first priority is to figure out the source of the problem, to recognize what children need. Our job is to create a sense of safety, to listen without judgment, to make sure they know they won’t get in trouble for telling us what they’ve done or be condemned for what they feel. Hugging and holding (if the child allows) can convey feelings much better than words. There will be time for words later.”
9. Keep their ages in mind- “Controlling parents… are likely to hold children to unrealistically high expectations, partly because they don’t understand just how unrealistic those expectations are. It’s completely normal for children “to fidget, to be loud, to forget to turn off a battery-operated toy, and to become unnerved by what seem to us to be tiny changes in their environment. We have to keep our expectations keyed to what they’re capable of doing.
10. Attribute to Children the Best Possible Motive Consent with the Facts- “Children construct a theory about their own motives based in part on our assumption about their motives, and they act accordingly: “You think I’m just plain bad and need to be controlled all the time? Fine. Watch me act as though you’re right.” We can help kids to develop good values by treating them as though they were already motivated by those values. Maybe what looked like a deliberate act of aggression was actually accidental. It’s important to realize that a one-year-old keeps pushing the spoon off the high just because kids of that age get a kick out of dropping things- not because she’s “testing limits,” and certainly not because she’s trying to make Mommy miserable. Just because a child’s action may have a negative effect on you doesn’t mean that was the child’s intention. We need to sympathize and try to understand why our children acted as they did.”
11. Don’t stick to your no’s unnecessarily- “It’s important to realize that children become better able to anticipate and avoid danger as they get older. (Of course, they’re more likely to develop these skills if they’re given the support they need and treated with trust and respect.) This means that many parental restrictions become increasingly less necessary and more confining. What matters most is the reason for our decisions, and the extent to which we’re willing to provide guidance, to support children’s choices, to be there with them-all of which is a lot more challenging than just saying yes or no. Don’t say no if you don’t absolutely have to. Think about the reason for everything you say.”
12. Don’t be Rigid- “Make it clear to your kids that what you’re doing is, in fact, an exception, something they shouldn’t expect all the time, but don’t let a fear of creating a precedent prevent you from being flexible and spontaneous. It’s healthy for children to see that adults sometimes disagree, which helps to underscore that we’re human. It also allows us to show them how people can resolve their disagreements respectfully-or in some cases, how we can just learn to tolerate differences.”
13. Don’t be in a Hurry- “Parents become more controlling when time is short, just as they do when they’re in public. Determine where it might possible to change your schedule in order to reduce the likelihood of having to rush your child. It’s often easier than you think to avoid urgency, the goal of being to allow children to feel unhurried so they can enjoy being children. It’s important not to be minute-wise, and hour-foolish. Trying to rush a small child is a fool’s errand. Therefore it makes sense to spend a little time now, to save more time later. “Don’t be in hurry”… also might be thought of as a reminder to slow down and savor your time with your kids.”
This is an amazing book, and even though he is very extreme with some of the things he talks about, it is ALL backed up and based off of research. I would HIGHLY recommend this book, if you want to be a better parent and person. The Principles though are all his opinion, but I agree with all of them. This book, not only helps me in becoming a parent, but a better person as well, because I apply these with my every day situations. I know that these principles are based off of attributes of Christ, and I know that Christ would use, and probably has used, each and every one of these principles. I just love learning!! And no, just because I am taking a parenting class, doesn't mean I am going to be a parent anytime soon. Just a little disclaimer for ya.
